Saturday, December 24, 2011
Maybe it's hard to recall the person I used to be because I am jaded now about a lot of things. Recognizing this is my first clear indication of the need for release. I feel like a worm stuck in the mud sometimes, I am constantly wiggling to get to my next destination. Today is Christmas Eve but it feels like another cloudy Saturday. I haven't spoken to my father in close to a year and I don't even know why. I wish mom would have told me a long time ago that my fathers shortcomings should never affect my interpersonal view or my self esteem. When you grow up being a daddy's girl you never see yourself being cut off from that person you idolize so much. I used to watch my dad work at his paint and body shop. I would have my face pressed up against the glass watching him as he would primer a car or detail the tape around it to prep for a fresh paint job. The smell of paint, car grease, and sweat always remind me of my childhood. Just me, him, and the hopes that life would always feel like that. I used to sit in the middle in his truck with him even if if were just the two of us. When he would get home at night, I would serve him a plate because I understood how hard he worked. I was too young to understand the trials of a marriage and how infidelity changes things. I saw it all unfold, bits and pieces at a time, but I never understood what was going on until one day mom made me leave with her. I wish mom would have explained to me that my dad hurt her so that I wouldn't have kept throwing my feelings of abandonment in her face. I lost him a long time ago, my dad. The moment we left the house for Grandma Dora's I was no longer his little girl. He quickly got involved with a woman (infidelity) and remarried. He had an automatic family granted to him, 2 girls and a boy...from that moment he forgot to remember me. The child support checks never came in but he helped to finance the private school for them and more importantly he began to cancel or not show up on the weekends he was suppose to be with me. I wish mom would have told me that this didn't mean he didn't love me anymore because that is all I came to believe. I went on with what I had to do. I graduated college and graduate school, never inviting him because he never even showed up to my high school commencement ceremony. I will be sure to tell my daughter everyday that I love her and if someone chooses to make stupid mistakes it doesn't mean that they need to feel worthless or question how amazing she is. I know he does remember me, but even if he doesn't I am pretty amazing without his validation.