Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Fingers Crossed

I have been applying everywhere like a crazy person. I have been relentlessly on this computer for hours answering questions, loading up my university transcripts, and collecting references. I need a new good paying job to get me out of this unforeseeable position. It's been so hard...I won't describe just how emotionally draining because I don't want this blog to seem like a place to dump all my sad shit. I will say this is the lowest point in my life I have EVER been in. It is a learning experience for sure. I grew up my whole life prepping for college so I would have to struggle. I don't want to be like the way my family has been in the past...I want more. I want to travel, pay off debt, have a nice home with a bad ass kitchen and a garden tub, eat out a lot, shop whenever I want, have at least one kid and be able to give them more than I had (this is not just the things money can buy). I want financial security and success. I view this as equally important when considering who I will spend my life with. To say that being financially savvy isn't important is not realistic unless you are accustomed to the idea of a simplistic life. For some this is enough, which I am totally cool with but I just want a pinch more than that. Over the past year I have been around people that have shown me the importance of retirement, security, and making smart choices. These are things I never really considered...ever. I learned that this is the difference between working until your 80 or retiring at 59! I want to work hard and play hard and I want someone by my side who thinks the same. It is because of this that I am single and focusing on me because I need to have a lot more for myself before I think of getting involved with anyone else and I am not having anyone pick up the slack for me. One of the best feelings in my life was when I was able to get my own car...there was this amazing sense of accomplishment I felt. I also felt the same when I graduated from the university. Lately I have just been feeling so fucking worthless because I am not where I want to be career wise and being around people who are so successful in all kinds of ways can find its ways to bring me down even more. I mean it's good but it's bad too (at least right now). I guess it's more good than bad because it's lit this fire inside of me to focus on being better and taking care of myself...learning to be alone and be responsible for only me. This is where my focus is.
and Love...
Well love gets me everytime, makes me stupid, act first-think last, fall first-cry later! Love is so important to feel. To be in love and to share that with someone is amazing but I have learned you have to have a balance. Having financial success is not all you need in a relationship but the reality is that neither is being loved and adored. The strains of one of these two elements missing will eventually weigh on the other person. I have experienced this from both sides and am more aware of each aspect respectively. I want to be the person who has balance. I don't want to have someone carry my weight, I want to carry my own but I still want to be able to carry the weight for the one I love and I want her to be able to carry mine. I want to be emotionally in sync, intimately in sync, and mentally in sync. I don't want perfection but I want balance.

So fingers crossed that I get that call or email for a better job to get me in a better place and improve my position because I am anything but balanced right now.

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