Fingers Crossed

I have been applying everywhere like a crazy person. I have been relentlessly on this computer for hours answering questions, loading up my university transcripts, and collecting references. I need a new good paying job to get me out of this unforeseeable position. It's been so hard...I won't describe just how emotionally draining because I don't want this blog to seem like a place to dump all my sad shit. I will say this is the lowest point in my life I have EVER been in. It is a learning experience for sure. I grew up my whole life prepping for college so I would have to struggle. I don't want to be like the way my family has been in the past...I want more. I want to travel, pay off debt, have a nice home with a bad ass kitchen and a garden tub, eat out a lot, shop whenever I want, have at least one kid and be able to give them more than I had (this is not just the things money can buy). I want financial security and success. I view this as equally important when considering who I will spend my life with. To say that being financially savvy isn't important is not realistic unless you are accustomed to the idea of a simplistic life. For some this is enough, which I am totally cool with but I just want a pinch more than that. Over the past year I have been around people that have shown me the importance of retirement, security, and making smart choices. These are things I never really considered...ever. I learned that this is the difference between working until your 80 or retiring at 59! I want to work hard and play hard and I want someone by my side who thinks the same. It is because of this that I am single and focusing on me because I need to have a lot more for myself before I think of getting involved with anyone else and I am not having anyone pick up the slack for me. One of the best feelings in my life was when I was able to get my own car...there was this amazing sense of accomplishment I felt. I also felt the same when I graduated from the university. Lately I have just been feeling so fucking worthless because I am not where I want to be career wise and being around people who are so successful in all kinds of ways can find its ways to bring me down even more. I mean it's good but it's bad too (at least right now). I guess it's more good than bad because it's lit this fire inside of me to focus on being better and taking care of myself...learning to be alone and be responsible for only me. This is where my focus is.
and Love...
Well love gets me everytime, makes me stupid, act first-think last, fall first-cry later! Love is so important to feel. To be in love and to share that with someone is amazing but I have learned you have to have a balance. Having financial success is not all you need in a relationship but the reality is that neither is being loved and adored. The strains of one of these two elements missing will eventually weigh on the other person. I have experienced this from both sides and am more aware of each aspect respectively. I want to be the person who has balance. I don't want to have someone carry my weight, I want to carry my own but I still want to be able to carry the weight for the one I love and I want her to be able to carry mine. I want to be emotionally in sync, intimately in sync, and mentally in sync. I don't want perfection but I want balance.

So fingers crossed that I get that call or email for a better job to get me in a better place and improve my position because I am anything but balanced right now.

Remember Me

Maybe it's hard to recall the person I used to be because I am jaded now about a lot of things. Recognizing this is my first clear indication of the need for release. I feel like a worm stuck in the mud sometimes, I am constantly wiggling to get to my next destination. Today is Christmas Eve but it feels like another cloudy Saturday. I haven't spoken to my father in close to a year and I don't even know why. I wish mom would have told me a long time ago that my fathers shortcomings should never affect my interpersonal view or my self esteem. When you grow up being a daddy's girl you never see yourself being cut off from that person you idolize so much. I used to watch my dad work at his paint and body shop. I would have my face pressed up against the glass watching him as he would primer a car or detail the tape around it to prep for a fresh paint job. The smell of paint, car grease, and sweat always remind me of my childhood. Just me, him, and the hopes that life would always feel like that. I used to sit in the middle in his truck with him even if if were just the two of us. When he would get home at night, I would serve him a plate because I understood how hard he worked. I was too young to understand the trials of a marriage and how infidelity changes things. I saw it all unfold, bits and pieces at a time, but I never understood what was going on until one day mom made me leave with her. I wish mom would have explained to me that my dad hurt her so that I wouldn't have kept throwing my feelings of abandonment in her face. I lost him a long time ago, my dad. The moment we left the house for Grandma Dora's I was no longer his little girl. He quickly got involved with a woman (infidelity) and remarried. He had an automatic family granted to him, 2 girls and a boy...from that moment he forgot to remember me. The child support checks never came in but he helped to finance the private school for them and more importantly he began to cancel or not show up on the weekends he was suppose to be with me. I wish mom would have told me that this didn't mean he didn't love me anymore because that is all I came to believe. I went on with what I had to do. I graduated college and graduate school, never inviting him because he never even showed up to my high school commencement ceremony. I will be sure to tell my daughter everyday that I love her and if someone chooses to make stupid mistakes it doesn't mean that they need to feel worthless or question how amazing she is. I know he does remember me, but even if he doesn't I am pretty amazing without his validation.

The Grass is not always greener

Mom should have told me that sometimes in making decisions that can impact your entire life you will fall on your ass harder than you ever thought. Ha! I think she forgot to tell me this one on purpose. There are just somethings you have to find out on your own. I have always been a dreamer...wanting the impossible...never satisfied. I want the best, the greatest...you get the idea. Sometimes I look at what others have and ask myself why I don't have the same. I take bits and pieces of the world view around me and want to create my own masterpiece of what I want my life to be. Problem is, I have taken shortcuts to get there that have hurt others and myself. I have learned the hard way that the grass is not always greener on the other side. There is a time to stay and a time to go. For those of you that have had those relationships with people where you "try to get away but can't"...oftentimes the reality is that you don't want to so you stay. How many times have you been that friend that tried to convince someone that they just need to stop talking to that one person who is holding them back? At the end of the day they will choose when it's time to let go and move on. What does this have to do with what I am talking about? Well the other side to this is sometimes we jump ship too soon thinking there is something better on the other side. Sometimes we listen to the wrong advice, feed into fantasy too quickly, and forget to think things through. We love instant gratification and when we want something, we want it. We don't think of the cost. It's a decision that happens in a moment and reversing that choice is damm near impossible. Thanks mom...I learned my lesson.

It's who you know...

Oh how I could write so much on this. To be honest I have no idea why I chose this as my main title. I have no children, and am not expecting anytime soon without a miracle. But there are some things I wish my mother would have told me. This will not be really engaged tonight but it's something to keep my mind moving until I think it's done so this entry will be the epitomy of constant change.
One thing I am discovering that I wish my mom would have told me is that sometimes, just sometimes, having a degree makes no damm difference! It is oftentimes the experience but bottom line it is who you know! I thought that busting my ass at school would automatically grant me the security that I needed. NOPE! I am thankful to know some really awesome people to help me out with this but I am struggling now more than ever to find myself working in a place that I love, and while some people say you can't have it all...I firmly disagree with that, Yes you can! It is the complacent that settles for the "this is as good as it gets" line. Fuck that! I can and will have it all though understandably it doesn't come without struggle.